Childhood Musings

        

I want to tell you stories about when I was in school at a WELS Lutheran grade school in Wisconsin.  It was a small school and I was with the same class for K5 - 8th grade. There were about 22 kids in the class and the eb and flows of friendships were pretty cliquey and severe.

If I think about my childhood and my schooling, the awkward, shy feeling is what comes up for me every time. I had a hard time feeling like I fit in anywhere…I have always felt different and not really understood or accepted by the general public.  Was this true? I am unsure.

I was teased for a variety of things that really have had a lasting impact on me. I am 48 and am just realizing how traumatic these experiences were for me and how they are still affecting me today.  

If I flashback to school, I immediately go to a 4th grade room (at least I think that’s what it is), where I was being ridiculed for how high my voice is. I was put down and made fun of regularly for how my voice sounds. I was shy to begin with, and any words that were going to come out were stomped down for fear of someone hearing my voice.

How does one grow up to have any voice at all when this (along with other things) happened for years? I was not resilient, punching them in the face and telling them to fuck off. Instead I let their words sink into my being like they owned the place. 

Now I am a 48 year old woman, really learning and working on how to process emotions and communicate effectively. Communication has not come naturally to me, and it is something that I am needing to work on with vigor. I have never thought that my emotional responses were valid, and therefore have never really shared with others my emotions or needs. How does one communicate one’s needs when she doesn’t even think she is worthy of having needs?

One of the effects of having my voice battered is that I have not spoken up for myself or my needs. I have just avoided confrontation and have never known how to communicate how I’m feeling and why and work through that effectively with another.  This seems like a pretty basic life skill and I don’t know how I have made it this far with this incredible deficit. 

Having this deficit in my communication abilities as well as my inability to see myself as worthy of having emotions and reactions, led me to accept some pretty horrific behaviors in my relationships. If I had had any self-worth at those times, I would not have stayed in those relationships as long as I did. I had to tear myself out of those relationships, even though in my heart I knew that they were not what was in my highest interest. I didn’t think I was worthy of waiting for the right one (boy was I ever wrong about that). 

Once I realized what happened and had taken my first steps on my healing journey, my throat chakra opened and my voice arose out of my mouth. Things like saying “excuse me” to someone I needed to get around would cause me an intense amount of anxiety in the past, but no more. Now I practically want to say “move it asshole” as I sometimes find myself at the other end of the spectrum….but I just keep to the niceties for the most part.

To be continued……

With Gratitude…Lynda